Archive for the ‘Avoidance’ Category

Work at Night, photo copyright Kim Nixon

I feel like I cannot catch up, cannot accomplish all that I need to do, learn the things I need to learn….One thing I could do is work at night.

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With The Thaw came The Flu for my family members. They have all the usual symptoms. Me? I have “the flu of heightened senses” and the world’s worst headache.

When Mike went outside to retrieve the mail in came the ODOR of stinky wood smoke! Just what is the neighbor burning anyway? The wet STINKY doggies followed Mike. Then smell of his toast chased me from the room. It may be his first food in a 24-hour  time period–I ought to rejoice for him–not gag.

Everything is BRIGHT, SHARP, LOUD. I want to wear sunglasses, or hide under the covers. An envelope opening hurts not only my ear drums, but like fingernails on a chalk board, it hurts my very skin.

The room is either TOO HOT or TOO COLD and I don’t know whether to wear wool socks or peel off clothes. The bed-covers are a jumble from being thrown off and on. The house is smelly–I cannot stand it.

I itch! Everything feels rough. I am like a hyper-active-child that cannot sit still even though moving across the room happens in slow-motion.

I am planning to combat this flu by more soup (made yesterday when smells were not torture) and tea. Perhaps putting the Star Wars movies on one after the other. Not in their sequence but in the order they came out, of course. It might keep me on this lumpy couch and under a blanket. Socked or not!

Has anyone heard of this flu?

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Thill's Market, photo copyright Kim Nixon

Light in Darkness of Coming Storm, photo copyright Kim Nixon

BoXes View II, photo copyright Kim Nixon

Thill’s revisited, or should I say I went back into the folder, pulled some more images into Photoshop, ’cause those brown boxes in the face of white and gray made me warm. Those boxes–would they get ruined by the coming snows? Why do they say “seafood”? Why have I never shopped at Thill’s?

I went to Thill’s once with Evyind (a fellow co-worker at the Marquette Food Co-op) who I believe was looking for a cut of fish to use in sushi which I don’t eat. And that was over 4 years ago.

I once made a connection with a student (on the autistic spectrum) as I read a book and pointed to stormy waves and mentioned lake Superior. The student said one word, Thill’s. And took the book from me and headed to a quiet corner of the school library.

Here I sit trying to find words today. I am frightened by my income taxes. Feeling beat down for making just over povery wages. Wondering can this be what all my hard work has afforded me? I will expand on this soon, promise.

Then this morning the alarm went off and I looked out the bedroom window to wind, snow, drifts, and the window has snow piled in front of it. It was gray when I went into the YMCA for Aqua Therapy.

Then I emerged from hot tub and sauna. I exited the “Y” to sun. I thought the hope I have, the hope I can share is in photos. I can still build what I want. I can make changes. I am a person who makes changes. I am.

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Ishpeming Red Berries, photo copyright Kim Nixon

Today my thoughts circle around Seasonal Affective Disorder in part due to an article I must start/complete/submit today. But also as I feel that deep-dip. The sinking feeling that I am not enough. That I should hide-out under the covers and read novels away from those I love. The feeling that I may panic if I have to look outside myself toward the world. I do know we all have moments like this, but with a layer of Seasonal kicking in it gets more challenging.

Over the holidays I tried to stick to a regime of physical activity, clean foods, and supplements. But you know how it goes I was far from a routine the last couple of weeks. I ate far less nutrient rich food, less fruit, less whole grains. I did not take my multi-vitamin, Omega 3s, extra D vitamins, nor did I take my melatonin and 5HTP. Do these things help! As Sarah Palin would say, “You betcha’ (wink).”

What also helps is to have a loving supportive partner, I have Mike. But I did not lean on him as much in the past week. His son was here and I did not want to be a distraction. I put my panic attacks on the back burner. There are times I need constant reassurance while under the affects of winter. For the last week I was “going it alone” more than I am used to. And I was doing “new” stuff. The stuff that puts you “out there” in the world.

On top of it all I am tackling a weight issue that also affects my self-esteem and has gotten to a crucial point. As I realize all those issues that have driven me to eat–all the emotional responses–Yikes! I will save these realizations for another post over at The Dailies. But as new understandings came forward I was throttled, again.

Then there is a splash of color in winter. A moment of Joy! The moment I sunk in a swamp while looking at a high ridge with a ski-jump in exhilarating cold. Then there is that flash of a boy-ish smile where Mike’s face lights up. These things keep pulling me out. They make me look behind things, like that door in the photo that I wanted to look behind. These moments pull me out of myself. I find a way to get out of the sludge of  S.A.D. and carry-on.

For more color-shots visit my Red Set at Flickr.

Ishpeming Red Berries on White, photo copyright Kim Nixon

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It was with deep regret that I realized yet another good excuse to NOT get out of the car and take photos when it is cold. I had no hunter’s orange to wear. No red. Sure the snow was coming down on a bit of an angle and the railroad tracks look to lead into the storm–great shot–no orange. Sure the lights of the mine illuminated the tiniest bit of a rock pile 2 miles away (8:25 a.m. on the way to work), but the sky wasn’t that dramatic–and I had no orange.

So I am warm and dry.

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